Okay, well I'm lying, obviously - this is no serious reasons why the gym is better than sex. Do I look like a crazy person to you? No - so sorry, but this post isn't going to reveal the secret you've been missing all these years. However, going to the gym is a lot easier; okay so you have to pay (and I hope you don't pay for the other thing), but the gym isn't discerning - it throws opens its doors to all, rather than the lucky few who've persuaded someone to sleep with them on a regular basis. And I thought wouldn't it cheer us (me) all up? So, here are the reasons why the gym is better than sex (try to say it without scoffing).
1. The Gym Won't Judge You when You Apply
As mentioned above, one of the best reasons why the gym is better than sex is its very relaxed admissions process. If you can pay the monthly fee, then you, my friend, are in. There's none of this rigorous examination beforehand - do I like their hairstyle, are their trousers too tight, could they be a serial killer, etc. It's just a quick swipe of the debit card and go (stop it).
2. The Gym Rewards You Back
The gym will reward you with toned abs, svelte thighs, the ability to run up the stairs without expiring halfway. Sure, sex is great exercise, but it can't beat Pilates, the treadmill and a few goes on the weight machines for calorie burning and bum toning. Plus, if you pick a good gym, then you might get actual rewards, like the occasional muffin or 10% off.
3. The Gym is a Feast for the Eyes
As someone relatively new to gym-going, I have been pleasantly surprised by the extraordinary amount of beautiful people wandering around, clad really in not very much at all. There aren't many incidences where you get to be surrounded by more than one toned, glistening body, but the gym is one of those rare occasions.
4. The Gym is a World of Possibility
Look at that machine! What does that do? Looks fancy! Look at all these classes! What a wealth of choice and opportunity to explore new sports. Said nobody, in the gym, never. Until now! You can do whatever you want, you can get all that frustration out in whatever way you choose. No need to compromise here.
5. The Gym Doesn't Answer Back
It's a rare occasion when there isn't a least one thing, however small it may be, that makes us think, "Oh. Going to have to get rid of that if I see them again." Or, horror of horrors, perhaps there's baby talk, or the kind of terrible encouragement you see in porn films as yet another aggressively muscled man throws around a poor, vibrantly orange young woman. There may be a chorus of sighs, grunts and moans in the gym but none of that nonsense.
6. You Can Swap Gyms if You're Away
If you join a chain of gyms, most let you use your membership in all of their branches. Mine does. So, if you're away because of work or you've taken a little mini-break, you can simply use another gym. Somehow, this doesn't work quite so smoothly when it comes to the person you're sleeping with.
7. The Gym Doesn't Criticise You
The gym is all about encouraging you to feel good about yourself, spurring you on to achieve your dream body. The gym won't tell you you've put on weight, or that you shouldn't have skipped that last waxing appointment. The guy you met in the bar might though.
8. You Can Leave the Gym at Any Time
Now, I'm not actually sure that's true. In fact, I think getting a divorce is often easier than cancelling your gym contract nowadays. But for the sake of this post, we'll go with it. Maybe you didn't enjoy yourself the first time - maybe you've simply moved on. Either way, there's an awkward conversation in the offing for you. At the gym, you can just forget to renew your contract, then slip silently away.
Well, that was ridiculous. All are true, but none really matter. Did it cheer you up though? And hey! It’s nearly summer, and you're going to look spectacular in a bikini if you keep hitting the gym. Have I missed any off the list?